I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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