My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
