I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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