girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
