thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
