She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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