dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
