is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
