i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
