smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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