I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
