Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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