The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
