how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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