my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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