was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
