Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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