woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
