where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize