It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
where are you?
Hypothermia
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
