I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
