dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
