Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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