I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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