I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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