I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
