Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
