Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My life is pants optional.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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