mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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