We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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