Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
