i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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