Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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