The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
