Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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