Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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