I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
