I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
