The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
