I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
