I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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