what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
