Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
it's like heaven, but drunker
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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