you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
