i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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