If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
