Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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