The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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