These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You may now shotgun with the bride
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
