dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
