I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
