so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
