A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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