so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
