Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize