Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
