My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
