Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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