woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
